Of Love, Life and Death
We cope with heartbreaks differently, some drink, some party, some shop, some leave the country—well as for me, I write and do a lot of other things. And here’s my story.
A few weeks back, just a few days before our Baccalaureate Mass and Graduation. I was feeling really down, I was feeling everything except happiness .Then a day before our Baccalaureate Mass, a single text made me broke down and it eventually lead to: me attempting a suicide. I already wrote a letter saying my “sorry’s” and goodbyes. Then I texted my ex-boyfriend, saying that I can’t take it anymore. And what reply did I get? “Bahala ka na. Ginawa ko na lahat.” “You’re on your own. I already did everything.” So that’s it, that was my ultimate breaking point and I drank half a bottle of cleaner. But I started coughing violently and my mom caught me then the rest was history. After that, I also texted my best friend and told her that I had attempted to end my life.
It was the day of our Baccalaureate Mass and I didn’t know if I should come and walk alone in that long aisle. But my Mom texted and told me that my Aunt would be there with me since she was still disappointed in me. I checked my phone and found that I have received a message from my best friend and a few of my friends. On our way to my college, I received a sermon from my aunt and the taxi driver (weird huh?). During the mass, my friend whom I was sitting with asked me to show my wrists and then again, I received a sermon.
After the mass, I was surprised to see my mom there waiting—and that made me really happy. She told me that we would be having dinner out and I should call my boyfriend to eat with us, he was nowhere to be seen. So I told his brother who was with us to call him, and then we had dinner. He was cold and he acted as if I wasn’t even there. I ignored it since I was with my family and I didn’t want to ruin the night for them.
Graduation Day, he still pretended that I wasn’t there and kept acting cold towards me. After the ceremony, I told my friends to go to the stage so I could take a picture of them. Then suddenly, he was gone. He didn’t even introduce me to his family nor even say goodbye. And I told myself, this is it. I told him that we should break up and I had enough. But that night, I took it back and I told him that I can’t leave him in this state; I did not want to leave him facing those problems alone. So I proposed a stupid solution, I’d still be his girlfriend and he can do whatever he wants and I wouldn’t mind. But then I got a text from him saying that we should stop the relationship. I was in shock so I did not reply because I was thinking about it. Then the following night, I was on the computer and my mom approached me and asked me if I was doing fine and I told her that I was doing fine. Then she told me, “but he told me you’re not together anymore”. And I told her, “What? No.”. I still did not reply to him and I intentionally missed his calls, because I was thinking.
Then Sunday morning, a friend told me the real reason, HE WAS CHEATING ON ME. Yep. He cheated on me with an ex-friend.
A background on who that friend is, I talk to her to ask for advices but one event lead me to remove her from my group of friends. She told me that she wasn’t with my ex-boyfriend drinking, but the truth was, she really was with him. And not only that one occasion, they also went out to get a drink together for a number of times. So I confronted her before, telling her that I don’t like people who lie to me.
Then I was so furious and I confronted my ex-boyfriend telling him that I already knew the real reason why he wanted to break up with me. Then he told me he was sorry and told me all those stupid and insincere things guys say when they are finally caught red handed.
What happened during those 2 years of being in a relationship?
- The first year was great. But there were also lapses.
- Well you see I was not the person who you would call vocal. I wasn’t vocal on a lot of things and that was mostly the problem during our first year. I did not know how to communicate. And well, he was really insensitive.
- So we both worked on that.
- But during the 2nd year, things started to fall apart.
- I became more vocal; I told him what was wrong. We had arguments almost every single day.
- I tried breaking up with him 2 or 3 times but I did not want to leave him facing his problems alone. I stayed despite my discontentment and unhappiness.
- I told him just a few weeks before our graduation that I felt like I won’t have a future in him. I know it’s wrong but, I was hoping that he would take that as a motivation to prove me how wrong I was and to change his ways that was affecting him and the people around him.
- I got his back but he did not have mine.
So what happened after?
- My friends came over with a gallon of Ice Cream and we ate it all together
- Some of my professors encouraged me and gave motivational messages
- My relatives from in and out of the country, showed their hate and disgust towards them through chat. And it made me feel happy. (Sorry not sorry?)
- My mom took me out to watch a movie to distract me
- Mom took us(Family) to Tagaytay to “make me forget”
- My other aunt called and told me that we were heading out; She took me to a spa with my other aunt and we ate baby back ribs.
- The following week, my friends and I went to Tagaytay again.
So what are you supposed to do after that hell of an experience? Well you can:
- It’s okay to cuss them because FUCK YOU, YOU DESERVE ALL THE FUCK YOU’s in this world assholes.
- After cussing them, you’d normally feel disgust or hate in your system. Just let it go. It’s okay to be mad. Let me quote Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom,
“If you hold back on the emotions - if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
- Cry all you want because holding it in would cause you more pain.
- Detachment. Cut all your connections with them. Burning bridges baby.
- You may stop crying now. A friend told me “Cry all you want. But tomorrow you can’t cry anymore and the following days after that.” My mom also told me that after she found me crying on my bed “From today onwards, you can’t cry for him anymore.” Then my Aunt added, “Yeah! You may be here sulking on your bed and he’s out there having fun.”
- Get busy doing important things, like as for me I started processing my government Ids and of course Law School.
- Pieces of the past will continue to haunt you and questions will pop out of your mind. When this happens, think of random stuff like “A Dog on a skateboard”.
- Go out. Have fun on your own or with your friends.
- Remember all the good things that life has to offer!
- Watch a lot of “happy” movies.
I thought love was, sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the other. It’s not like that all the time. You should be happy together not only the other. Sacrifices are important in a relationship, but both should be able to sacrifice for the other. Like as for me, I did not like the idea of him drinking, I got strict but then I proposed a deal to avoid conflict, he can only drink thrice in a month. I still feel upset about it but that’s what made him happy so I gave in. But he still drank more than thrice a month in secrecy—that I eventually found out in the end. He blamed me and told me, there was no point of having a deal if I’m still going to be upset if he drinks. (Well shit man! You can’t tell me what not to feel.)
If they’ve lied to you once, they would continue doing that. Ask them why they did such thing and if they answer that they did that so that you won’t feel upset. DON’T BELIEVE THEM. If they did not want to upset you, they should have not lied in the first place.
When people are telling you to leave, just leave. Because they see things you can’t see. Because when you’re stuck in that kind of relationship, there’s no easy way out. It’s like escaping a burning building.
Heartbreak—especially when you’ve been used and cheated on— hurts like a bitch but darling believe me it’s not the end of the world.
"You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way."
— Elizabeth Taylor (via biiesh)
First time going to Cubao X. Awesome rare finds! Pardon the quality! I was using my phone.